I've been a non-Muslim for 3 years, and it was a long long process. I spent 2013-14 convinced I was being dragged by Satan and led astray, I was terrified. I have now come to terms with the fact that I don't agree with Islam, and I can't believe in it. I am in a very, very connected Somali community so I've always been scared of being cast out from everything I have ever known. I don't want to betray my family and leave them to suffer the shame, but I don't want to live a lie. I have always been a well-behaved kid, and I was very religious all my life. I never once questioned the Quran, I attended mosque since I could walk and I knew several things by heart. But I was known for asking 'why?' all the time, and my curious self that always questioned everything eventually questioned all I believed in. I can't explain it as anything but it clearing up to me. It all cleared up and I saw the religion for what it really was, and I couldn't grasp this. I have been taught since I was a toddler that I will burn, I will perish if I abandon God, I must fear God, bow down to him- submit to all he says. But there's so much wrong with it, so much that my 13 year old self saw through it all. I cried for days on end. I begged Allah to forgive me, to help me. I asked him to pull Satan away and to stop me being possessed. The confliction ended eventually, and I am now an athiest.

I guess this is where I should talk about my mum. She found out. I still can't believe it. I thought it'd never happen, but it did. It was sometime last week and she woke me up to go to mosque as she's done for years. My siblings woke, but I couldn't. It wasn't fatigue, I'd been feeling this way for months. I hated going. While the teachers preached and I felt like a hypocrite, a liar. I couldn't go, I just couldn't stand it. So I slept, and my siblings went. My mum was very angry, asking what's wrong with me. I started crying, and I had to get it out. "Why should I go? Why should I go if I don't believe in it?'

I said it. And my mum, she didn't cause a fuss, or cry or scream. She came over and hugged me, and said she knew. She had known and noticed for about a year, but she denied it. I asked her in tears why she wasn't telling me I'm wrong, but she said, 'I'm not the typical somali parent, I grew up in a Western society (Finland), I think a bit differently.'
She then burst into tears, and I was so astonished that she was taking it so well, and I did too. She told me what I had suspected, I could not tell a soul. I never wanted to think this, but it's true, it's genuienly true. She said my life would be in danger if I told anyone, and she'd send me to university when I'm 18 (in two years, I'm in Year 12 at the moment). She also said it had to be far so I'd be safe, but not too far. I asked her if she could visit me, or even call, anything. My mum was teary again, and said Allah told her she cannot support me. So, unbelievably, we have a plan now together, but it is so sad. We only have two years left, and she even said we should make the most of it. In that moment, while I was hugging and crying with my mum, I realised that I'd miss her, and my 6 siblings so much. There's no going back, or even considering pretending to be Muslim. In two years, it all changes. I'm scared someone will find out, but I think that's me overworrying. I don't want to leave my family, but I have no choice.

So, why am I here? Well, the last time I was here was 2014, I was lonely and needed alike people to relate to, and I read the forums as a ghost reader. I am now a member, and I hope to take part in the discussions. I am lucky that my mum did not cast me out, and that I have a little time left. It's surreal, still indescribably sad that I may not see my family again, but it's a step forward. I hope I've done the right thing, and I hope I can use this site when I'm alone in two years. I really hope so.

Ifrah, 16 years old

? I need to stay happy, no matter what.