I have been questioning my faith for a number of years. I suppose by questioning I mean trying to find reasons to hold on to something. One doesn’t simply walk away from 28 years of belief. Alas it seems that there was very little to hold on to. I was born in Pakistan and although I didn’t come from an ultra-conservative Muslim family, religion played a very important part in our lives. It’s that tradition and a sense of belonging that I’ve tried to hold on to. Knowing that once I leave even if I don’t tell anyone, I will never truly belong to it.
My love of science is the reason why I questioned Islam. The religion hides under an intricate veil of self-justification. Although aspects of it have helped to champion scientific and mathematical research, I believe it has been held back in favour of religious theology. How can a religion move forward when it is so afraid of being critiqued? When it calls for people who question or leave it to be killed.
The hardest part is that although I am no longer sitting on the fence about where my belief lies, I know that I cannot truly come out as an Atheist because of my loved ones. The notion that my wife and parents believe that when we die, we will meet in heaven. Who am I to rob them of a thought that may bring them peace one day? It’s a lie, but a white lie and one that I will probably live for the rest of my life.
I just hope that my daughter doesn’t have the same feelings if she questions Islam. That somehow she is stronger, that she may be able to detach herself from the prison of religion. I hope she is able to live her life free from the weight of it. I will help her as she grows older to embrace that, but I will never enforce my belief on her. Even if it is a secret between father and daughter. Regardless of what she decides, I will love her always. If she does come out, I hope that she has more courage about it than her dad.
My reason to join is so we can understand just how many of us are out there. Ex Muslims who want to live in a world free of retaliation and contempt. I feel alone, and it’s good to know that I am not the only one who has chosen to walk away. It’s a platform for people like me who are absolute in their belief but I suppose for me, I am not yet strong enough to let anyone know. Contradictory, that maybe so.