I am an agnostic leaning toward atheism. I started doubting Muslim believe since I was either 14-15 years old and strongly doubting this religion when I moved out from Indonesia to study in UK. I learned many that contradicts muslim and islam when I lived in UK. I dont want to belittle anyone but I believe that what I was told, ever since I was a child are lies and that everything can be explained scientifically, but we just dont know yet and dont have the capable to reach that answer yet.

However, I was just a student in UK, an immigrant with a short lived visa, I will eventually go back to Indonesia. I am currently back in Indonesia and I dont have anyone to share or to live me alone, not pestering me days in and out about Islam and Muslim being oppressed. Given examples about Isis, Israel and everyone else that Islam are always be the oppressed party. Anyone that is a muslim are those that worth being saved to heaven, and everyone else are just no use.

If I told my believe and what I stand for right now, I will be isolated, I cant go out and I can imagine I will either constantly be told about Islam and Muslim/to have empathy on muslims... or to be kicked out and never going back.
I dont have a choice in here as I am still dependent to my parents, since I am still currently searching for work. But I wish, to get away from this toxic environment and have a choice of my own, marry someone that I deem okay for me regardless of religion and just have a live like normal people. Looking at people personally without regards their religious, race, ethics or anything in particular.

This ramadhan is quite hard for me as I need to show and fake myself that I believe in islam.