I am 18 years old. I\'m literally so new to the idea of leaving Islam that I\'m still contemplating it, trying to convince myself to believe again. However, I know I\'m only lying to myself. Once you realise the truth it\'s hard to force yourself to continue to believe in something that isn\'t real. I always try pray, but at the end of my dua I subconsciously say \"if you\'re even there.

I want to clarify that I have no intention of badmouthing Islam, I loved being apart of it; you feel such a sense of solidarity and belonging. But I loved the community more than the religion. I barely knew the religion, but the more I got to know it the more I wish I didn\'t. Everything that I\'ve stated is my own personal problems with it, I\'m not saying everyone should leave the faith. I know there\'s so many misconceptions and bad media on Muslims, that definitely didn\'t influence my decision. I know the media is such a manipulative weapon and I would never fall victim to its propaganda.

I was brought up in a moderate Muslim household, culture and religion continuously overlapping. I could ignore aspects of the culture, but religion was not to be altered. I would pray when I was younger but as I got older it would be limited to just Ramadan. Regardless of my lack of outward devotion, I truly believed Islam was the right path and legitimate religion. I would never have seen myself leaving Islam. 90% of my friends and all of my family are Muslim, so I had no \'corrupt\' influences to sway my decisions.

My issue didn\'t particularly begin with Islam, but rather with the whole concept of religion. Studying political ideology at college (which was actually secular) I realised that religion was just a way to control people, to stop them from rebelling and maintain a hierarchy. HeIl planted such a fear that you wouldn\'t even think of questioning anything. It suddenly became so clear that it was a man-made concept. All Abrahamic religions were so similar, almost a variation from one to another. Many stories and names were practically the same and too mystical to be true.

Then, being a Muslim, I had to turn my analysis on Islam. In Islam, all non-believers go to hell. But what of those that have never even been exposed to Islam, let alone know any of its teachings? Does praying override being a good person? I\'ve been told that everybody should seek knowledge, but if they don\'t have the resources to do so how will they? It just seemed to unfair and unrealistic. If Islam was the true faith Allah would make it easy to find Islam.

Then being a feminist and a Muslim was almost a contradiction in terms. Even though I didn\'t wear hijab, I convinced myself that wearing one was for for the sake of Allah not solely as a control mechanism. But why should we cover up because men cannot control their eyes? Why should women always have to put their husband first? Why must we act as the culprits rather than the victims? There\'s just so many questions I had that couldn\'t be answered without \"oh but the prophet-\" I don\'t care what the prophet did, that was another time, another place. I don\'t want to idolise a man and follow his way of life. I couldn\'t get to grips with the idea of polygamy, regardless of whether or not the prophet partook in it. Muslims would try to justify everything by mentioning the prophets name and I would just have to grit my teeth and silently nod because God forbid you ever speak against the prophet! Muslims will deny, as I myself did, that women have a lower place in Islam, but they do. Denying it won\'t change the truth. We can try to adjust and tweak it verbally but will it still be Islam? There\'s so much I struggle with as a woman who was brought up a Muslim.

I don\'t think I\'ll ever tell my family or friends in a straightforward way that I\'m probably not Muslim anymore. It would just lead to tears and arguments. It\'s enough that I\'ve reached this conclusion. But maybe they\'ll realise through my lack of interest in praying and participating is Islamic conversations.

But losing my religion has left me lost. I\'m not sold on the idea of evolution and the Big Bang theory, and I somewhere believe that there may be a God. The world is too perfectly created to be an accident. But I don\'t believe that a higher existence created humans to be slaves and constantly worship, there\'s more to life than that.

I\'m glad that I\'ve found this organisation because I can openly express everything that\'s going through my head, an outlet for all of my religious doubts. I thought that I would find almost nothing on the web, but I\'m glad that I\'m not alone.