By Dr Savin Bapir-Tardy

Leaving Islam, or any high-control group, is a deeply personal and often life-altering decision. It involves stepping away not only from a belief system but also from relationships and communities that have been central to one’s life. A key consequence of this choice is being shunned by the group. Family members, friends, and community ties—often the foundations of support—are frequently severed, leaving the individual isolated and emotionally adrift. This forced disconnection creates a significant challenge, requiring individuals to confront the uncertainty of rebuilding their lives and identities, often without a safety net. For some, the pain of this isolation can feel overwhelming, occasionally leading them to return to the group despite their doubts or misgivings.

This experience bears similarities to dynamics observed in abusive relationships, where leaving is not just about escaping control but also involves grappling with fear, guilt, and profound uncertainty. In the context of religion, such as Islam, the stakes can be even higher. Leaving is often seen as a rejection of cultural norms and familial expectations, leading to social ostracism or even threats of violence. Women, in particular, may face heightened scrutiny and severe repercussions, as leaving Islam is often viewed as rejecting values tied to honour, chastity, and modesty. For many, the journey toward autonomy and freedom is not straightforward and often comes at a significant emotional and social cost.

This brief provides an overview of the psychological and emotional challenges faced when leaving Islam, highlighting topics such as the role of fear, guilt, and conditional love in enforcing conformity, as well as the struggles of severed relationships, identity crises, and mental health impacts like anxiety and depression. While these topics are not explored in exhaustive depth, the article offers a starting point for understanding these complex issues. It also shares general insights into seeking support through therapy, building connections, and finding ways to heal.

The insights presented are drawn from over four years of facilitating the Council of Ex-Muslims of Britain (CEMB) support groups and clinical practice with individuals who have experienced shunning and ‘honour’-based abuse. Additionally, the content and recommendations are grounded in research into the dynamics and impacts of mandated shunning.

What Are High-Control Groups?

High-control groups, such as cults or fundamentalist religious communities, operate by employing coercive control, a psychological framework often associated with domestic abuse, to enforce conformity and loyalty. These groups do not tolerate dissent, either internally or externally, and any form of criticism is perceived as a direct threat to their authority and cohesion. Members who question group doctrine, challenge leadership, or express alternative views are often met with swift and severe repercussions, ranging from public condemnation to expulsion. In many cases, individuals who raise such questions are labelled as ‘apostates,’ a term that carries severe social and spiritual stigma, effectively marking them as traitors to the group.

Coercive control mechanisms in these groups rely on psychological tools such as fear, guilt, and conditional love. Fear is wielded through threats of eternal punishment, ostracism, or even physical harm, instilling an environment where members feel they cannot safely express doubt. Guilt is deeply ingrained, often tied to a sense of having betrayed one’s family, community, or spiritual obligations. Conditional love is another powerful lever—members are made to feel that their worth and acceptance depend entirely on their adherence to the group’s beliefs and practices. These mechanisms not only ensure conformity but also suppress critical thinking and independence.

In high-control groups, individual identity is subsumed under the collective. Members are discouraged from developing personal goals, values, or beliefs that deviate from the group’s doctrine. Personal doubts or questions are seen as acts of disobedience rather than growth opportunities, and open dialogue is rarely permitted. This suppression of individuality creates an atmosphere of hostility toward critical thinking, effectively isolating members from alternative perspectives and reinforcing dependence on the group.

For those who leave, the repercussions are often severe. Shunning is a primary tool used to enforce compliance and punish dissenters. Former members are cut off from their families, friends, and community, leaving them emotionally and socially isolated. This control is not only social but deeply emotional, eroding self-worth and making the decision to leave feel like an impossible betrayal of everything one has known. High-control groups deliberately conflate questioning with rebellion, fostering an environment of fear and silence.

Islam, in particular, as a high-control framework, often carries additional and more extreme repercussions for those who leave. Apostasy in Islam is not only a spiritual issue but, in some interpretations, a punishable offence under Sharia law, leading to threats of violence or even death. This distinguishes leaving Islam from other high-control groups like the Jehovah’s Witnesses, where leaving may result in shunning but not threats to life. For those leaving Islam, the fear of physical harm compounds the emotional and social challenges, making the act of leaving both physically dangerous and psychologically harrowing.

By suppressing dissent and punishing apostasy, high-control groups ensure their authority remains unchallenged. This framework fosters an insular environment where members are stripped of individuality and agency, creating a profound psychological and social dependence that can make leaving seem insurmountable.

The Emotional and Psychological Challenges

Leaving a high-control group is an emotionally and psychologically complex process, especially for individuals who have experienced abuse within their families. High-control groups often create environments where abuse—whether emotional, physical, or sexual—is normalised, minimised, or justified under the guise of religious or ideological doctrines. For individuals already subjected to such abuse, leaving can magnify past trauma, as severing ties with the group also means losing access to familial attachment figures, even if those relationships were unhealthy or abusive.

Attachment Theory provides a lens for understanding the profound emotional pain associated with leaving high-control groups. Humans have an innate need for connection and belonging, with family and community often serving as key attachment figures. When someone leaves a high-control group, such as Islam, they experience a profound disruption in these bonds, leading to feelings of abandonment, rejection, and grief. This is often described as ‘grieving the living’—mourning relationships with loved ones who are still alive but no longer accessible due to shunning.

Even in abusive family dynamics, individuals often develop attachment bonds that, while harmful, provide a sense of stability and predictability. When these bonds are severed through shunning, individuals face the dual trauma of losing both the group and the familiar—if flawed—family dynamic. This can exacerbate feelings of abandonment and grief, leaving survivors with heightened confusion, worthlessness, and despair. The psychological toll of losing even harmful attachments can lead to significant emotional distress.

The loss of attachment figures, combined with the coercive mechanisms of guilt and fear instilled by high-control groups, often leads to a complex mix of emotions. Shame is a common response, as individuals internalise the belief that they have failed their family or community. Anger may also arise, directed at oneself, at family members who enforce shunning, or at the group or religion itself. These emotions are compounded by practical challenges, such as navigating life without the support systems that once provided a sense of security and stability.

The physical effects of this emotional strain can be significant. Difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, and chronic fatigue are common as the stress of isolation and rejection takes its toll. Anxiety and depression frequently emerge, often resurfacing during significant moments, such as family milestones or attempts at reconciliation. For survivors of family abuse, these psychological struggles may also trigger unresolved trauma, with memories of past harm resurfacing. If the shunning or rejection mirrors earlier patterns of neglect or abuse, the individual may experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex PTSD (C-PTSD).

For some individuals, the intense emotional pain and isolation can lead to suicidal ideation or even suicide attempts. The profound sense of loss, coupled with feelings of hopelessness and the belief that reconciliation is impossible, can create a crisis of despair. Shunning and the severing of close relationships amplify these risks, as individuals are left without their usual support networks to provide emotional grounding. Research has shown that the loss of significant attachment figures and enduring social isolation are strong predictors of suicidality, making this risk particularly acute for those leaving high-control groups.

These outcomes underscore the importance of providing comprehensive emotional and psychological support for individuals navigating the aftermath of leaving a high-control group, particularly those with histories of family abuse. Access to trauma-informed therapy, support groups, and compassionate interventions can be life-saving, helping individuals to process their grief, rebuild a sense of connection, and foster resilience. These supports are essential in helping survivors navigate the dual challenge of overcoming past trauma and adjusting to a life free from high-control dynamics. With the right resources and interventions, individuals can begin to heal and rediscover their sense of self and autonomy.

Post-Traumatic Growth: Finding Strength Through Adversity

While the challenges of leaving Islam are profound, they can also serve as a catalyst for personal growth. Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG), a concept in psychology, refers to the positive psychological changes that can occur following significant adversity. Many individuals who leave high-control groups report experiencing this growth as they rebuild their lives.

PTG often involves discovering inner strength and resilience that had previously been suppressed. For example, individuals may develop a greater appreciation for their independence or uncover passions and talents they were discouraged from exploring within the group. For some, the process of questioning and rejecting rigid beliefs leads to a deeper sense of purpose and alignment with personal values.

Gendered Dimensions of Shunning and Leaving

The challenges of leaving Islam are particularly acute for women. Many face stricter scrutiny and more severe judgment than men, as their departure is often framed as a rejection of deeply entrenched patriarchal beliefs that are ingrained in Islamic traditions and practices. For some, leaving may result in accusations of bringing shame upon their families, and in extreme cases, threats of honour-based violence may arise. Women are often subjected to societal expectations regarding modesty, relationships, and autonomy, making their departure a visible and symbolic act of defiance. Compounding these challenges, women frequently experience economic dependency, with cultural norms discouraging financial independence, leaving many financially reliant on their families or spouses. This economic reliance can make the prospect of leaving even more daunting.

For women with children, leaving Islam can lead to custody disputes, especially in communities or countries where religious laws govern family matters. In such cases, women may risk losing custody of their children as a consequence of their departure from the faith. Moreover, they often face surveillance and control from family or community members who monitor their behaviour, social media activities, and associations to ‘protect the family’s honour.’ This constant scrutiny adds another layer of pressure, making it difficult for women to fully disengage from their former environment and establish independence. The fear of retaliation, including harassment, physical abuse, forced marriage, or even being forcibly taken to another country to face stricter societal controls, looms large for many women contemplating or navigating life after leaving.

Leaving Islam also brings a profound sense of cultural loss for many women. Cultural practices and traditions are often deeply intertwined with religious identity, and departing from the religion can feel like severing ties with one’s heritage. While some women may reclaim these cultural aspects independently of religion, others may feel alienated, exacerbating their sense of disconnection and grief.

For LGBTQ+ individuals, the risks are similarly heightened. Leaving Islam can expose their sexual identity, which may already be stigmatised or condemned within their family or community. This double rejection—of both their beliefs and their identity—makes their journey particularly challenging. LGBTQ+ individuals often face societal isolation, as they are excluded not only from their religious communities but also from broader societal networks that may lack the understanding or resources to support their unique struggles.

Men, while sometimes afforded slightly more freedom, are not exempt from rejection and may face intense pressure to conform to familial or communal expectations. However, for all individuals leaving Islam, the psychological toll of honour-based violence, rejection, and societal isolation is immense. Women and LGBTQ+ individuals, in particular, often carry the weight of patriarchal expectations, feeling responsible for maintaining their family’s reputation.

By considering these intersectional and multifaceted challenges, it becomes clear that leaving Islam, especially for women and LGBTQ+ individuals, is not merely a rejection of faith but a deeply complex and often dangerous journey toward autonomy and self-determination. While the psychological toll of rejection, shunning, and societal scrutiny can be immense, these struggles also underscore the critical need for support in rebuilding a life and identity. Moving beyond the weight of these experiences requires access to therapeutic guidance, practical resources, and opportunities for personal growth.

How you can Rebuild a Life and Identity

Navigating life after leaving Islam or any high-control group involves addressing complex emotional, psychological, and practical challenges. The following section outlines key considerations and strategies derived from research, clinical insights, and reflections from the CEMB support groups. While not exhaustive, these suggestions provide a starting point for individuals working to rebuild their lives and identities.

Some Strategies for Moving Forward

It is difficult to find a therapist who may understand the concept of shunning or the specific abuse experienced when leaving Islam. What is important is that you feel safe and comfortable with your therapist, and if you don’t, it’s okay to seek out someone else who better meets your needs. It is often extremely hard to find a therapist who already understands the cultural, religious, or social norms you’ve experienced, and you may need to explain these aspects yourself. This can feel exhausting, but it’s worth finding someone who can provide the right support.

There are many different types of therapy, and it’s essential to explore what works best for you. For some, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help challenge internalised guilt and shame, while others may find value in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) for processing trauma. Schema Therapy can help address longstanding patterns of thought and behaviour, while psychodynamic approaches delve into the underlying emotional and relational dynamics that contribute to distress. What works for one person may not work for another, so it’s important to try different approaches if the first doesn’t feel right. Therapy is a journey, and finding the right fit is key to rebuilding your emotional and mental well-being.

For help finding therapists, directories like the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) or the Counselling Directory  or Psychology Today can be useful.

Mindfulness practices, such as journaling, grounding exercises, or even meditation, can also be helpful in managing overwhelming emotions. These techniques support emotional regulation, helping you process grief and anger. They also encourage self-compassion, allowing you to view your journey as one of courage and resilience rather than failure. Developing self-kindness and understanding is crucial as you navigate this challenging but transformative period. Websites like Self-Compassion  provide exercises to foster self-kindness, while resources like Mind UK offer tools for mindfulness and emotional regulation.

Connecting with others who have shared similar experiences can be invaluable. Joining support groups, such as at the Council of Ex-Muslims of Britain (CEMB), can provide a sense of belonging and understanding. CEMB offers a space to share your story and learn from others who have faced similar struggles. Hearing how others have navigated their challenges can provide practical insights, validation, and hope. Ex-Muslims International and social media platforms, such as Facebook, also host various groups for individuals who have left specific faiths, offering both solidarity and a wealth of resources. Building these connections helps counter the isolation caused by shunning and reminds you that you are not alone.

Rebuilding identity often involves exploring new communities, hobbies, or educational opportunities. Engaging in activities that align with your values and passions can help you create a life that feels authentic and fulfilling. For some, embracing cultural traditions that resonate with them while discarding those tied solely to religious doctrines can offer a way to retain meaningful aspects of their heritage without compromising their newfound autonomy.

Practical support can also play a significant role in this process. Accessing resources for financial independence, housing, or career development can ease the logistical challenges of starting over. Seeking opportunities for skill-building or education can empower you to rebuild your life with a sense of purpose and confidence.

Lastly, prioritise self-care. This might include finding moments of joy through creativity, spending time in nature, or simply practising small acts of kindness toward yourself. Websites like Mind UK provide tips for nurturing self-esteem and well-being, while articles on Simple Self-Care Practices can inspire practical ways to prioritise your needs. Surround yourself with people and activities that reinforce your sense of worth and remind you of your strength.

Leaving a high-control group like Islam is an act of immense courage, and while the journey is challenging, it holds the promise of freedom, authenticity, and a renewed sense of self. With the right support, tools, and connections, you can navigate this path and build a life that aligns with your values and aspirations.

Freedom and Autonomy: A Journey Worth Taking

While leaving Islam can open the door to freedom and autonomy, this journey often comes with significant challenges. Individuals who rebuild their lives often confront rejection and isolation from family and community. The pain of severed ties is intense and enduring, and the process of rediscovery is frequently marked by setbacks, self-doubt, and emotional struggle.

Despite these hardships, many individuals describe a deep sense of empowerment as they begin to live authentically, free from external control. Over time, the initial pain of loss often transitions into a sense of strength and resilience as they reclaim their identity and construct a life rooted in personal choice rather than obligation.

Leaving Islam is not a linear or uncomplicated path to autonomy, but it offers immense potential for growth and self-transformation. With support, therapeutic guidance, and a commitment to self-discovery, individuals can navigate this challenging journey with courage and determination. While the road is undoubtedly difficult, the rewards of living authentically and on one’s own terms make it a meaningful and transformative endeavour.

Dr Savin Bapir-Tardy has facilitated monthly support groups for the Council of Ex-Muslims of Britain (CEMB) since 2020, offering a space for individuals navigating the repercussions of leaving Islam, including being labelled as apostates. She has also worked extensively with women affected by honour-based violence, forced marriage, domestic abuse, and female genital mutilation (FGM), and has trained mental health professionals in culturally sensitive care. She is a Senior Lecturer at the University of Roehampton and a Chartered Counselling Psychologist specialising in the psychological impacts of ‘honour’-based violence (HBV) and shunning within high-control groups. She is currently co-leading a five-year project with the University of Roehampton and The Open Minds Foundation, investigating the effects of mandated shunning in high-control groups to inform policy and legislation.